Showing Paris Hilton the REALLY Simple Life

When an heir and an heiress decide to get hitched, what's the first thing they do? That's right, they graciously retire indoors, far from the prying eyes of wannabes, and sit around counting cash.

At least, that seems to be what my favourite heiress Paris Hilton, and her beau, the creatively-named Paris Latsis have reportedly decided to do. Both in their mid-20s, they have decided to "retire from public life" and concentrate on being married and having lots of little Parises.

With their self-imposed exile only a short time away, Hilton has been reported as saying that she's effectively grown out of her 'clubbing and partying' phase, hardly believing she ever used to enjoy it. I hear you, sister.

Gone are the nights where I line up outside a club, buy overpriced mixed drinks, and dance away till the wee hours. On the whole I've said goodbye to sub-standard nightclub toilets that don't flush and door hags that live to scrutinise my shoes (which have always been fabulous anyway).

Instead I've said a resounding HALLO to:

• quaint pubs and funky cocktail bars;
• muscled bar staff with exotic accents;
• pristine ladies toilets that look like art installations;
• quiet pints after work;
• home early on Friday night to watch "A Question of Sport" on the BBC (I have a crush on Scottish football legend Ally McCoist, who is old but strangely sexy); and
• yawning by 11pm.
  

No more clubbing, waiting for taxis at 3am, or having dodgy pictures of me turn up on nightclub walls (it only happened once anyway). Of course I'm still young enough to accept that one pint can often lead to three, which inevitably leads to smooches in taxis, which logically leads to kebabs. But you bounce back from these things, and no one will put THOSE indiscretions on the internet!

So if I had 5 minutes with her, I'd like to tell Paris that there IS a life after clubbing. If I show her how it's done, perhaps she can nab me a shipping heir too?